To Elevate to Office
The word erection comes from the Latin “erigere”. It means to be upright; not bending forwards or downwards. Rigid. Bristling. These are powerful words, and carry great impact. A penis which engorges but does not harden cannot be considered fully erect.
And to become erect means “to raise in consideration; to exalt; to elevate to office”. So it can be said the penis is raised and elevated to the office of the vagina – not the other way around. It must be exalted (fully rigid) before it can penetrate those passive defenseless walls.
The imagery is challenging, erotic in the extreme.
In reality, the penis does not always fully erect. There are times when it develops a less-than-exalted stance. And the vagina – dammit – is not quite the helpless “object” it seems. Those passive defenseless walls can prove amazingly stubborn. They refuse to yield and admit the penis unless it is rigidly erect.
The Thrilling Paradox!
Herein lies the thrilling paradox at the heart of our sexual lives. Here is where “the irresistible force meets the immovable object”. Here is the place where, “something’s gotta give”. (In a love relationship, it is the boundaries of the self.) Here is the perfect balance of male and female, shaft and sheath, lingam and yoni, ying and yang – whatever. Neither is complete without the other. Each is needed for the act of love. (This same perfect balance is reflected in the irresistible force of the sperm meeting and penetrating the immovable egg.)
This thrilling paradox, the challenge of the vagina to the force of the penis, adds magic and mystery to physical desire, turning our passions to ecstasy – a journey to the stars.
The Abuse of Power
It can be seen that within sexual love there is a dimension of force. Each partner accepts this on trust, and makes accommodations for the satisfaction of the other. The result can be a delightful interplay of power give and take, winner and loser, a swopping of roles to heighten and enhance sexual love.
In some encounters, the dimension of force is abused – by either partner. Date rape and other violences, though male acts, do not entirely exclude women. Any real pressure on an unwilling partner can be perceived as sexual abuse. The boundaries of accommodation and trust have been overthrown, violated.
In malign or non-relationships, one or other person is bent on destruction. Rape and sexual torture are the most appalling of these acts. A woman who taunts a man then withholds, or ridicules his sexual prowess, intends (consciously or not) to emasculate him. In comparison to rape, her act may be perceived as a minor violation. It is not. The effects can be equally destructive and long-lasting. Though no excuse, the man may become malign in his next encounters with women.
In Charge of the Store?
No man is unaware of the “challenge of the vagina”. It keeps him, sexually-speaking, slightly on guard, slightly tense. For he can never be 100 percent certain his penis will erect. When it does, he cannot be 100 percent certain it will remain erect. And herein lies another paradox, this time at the heart of male sexual life.
A man can neither always will erection to occur, nor can he always will it to stop. There are times when he must become passive before he can take an active role. He must pause to allow both his unconscious drives and his higher conscious needs to synchronize, to mesh. If not, he may fail to erect. For this reason, no man is 100 percent in “charge of the store”.
Perhaps some men care passionately about being in “control” because they do not have control where it matters the most. Foil no man is unaware of how stubborn the penis can be. Indeed, there are times when it behaves like newly washed hair. No matter how often or how stylishly it is coaxed, it refuses to respond as its owner would wish.
There are many parameters to erection, e.g., a partner can have more control of the penis than the man himself. This adds vulnerability to his active role. It does not matter how much worldly power he has. Wealth, status or erudition count for nothing at the critical point. If he fails at erection, he fails in his image of himself. In this respect, a man is vulnerable in a way a woman never is.
Most men ignore a brief failure. But for some, it feels deeply humiliating. Others perceive it as total disaster. They suffer horrendous self-doubt. If this happens often enough, the unconscious steps in for his self-preservation. It stops the pain of failing by stopping the erection process. The man then suffers from what is called psychologic impotence.
And herein lies a further paradox at the heart of male sexual life. No man wants to be impotent, whether he wishes to make love or not. So he suffers more pain from his impotency, which is there to protect him from the pain of failure. It is not as easy to be a man as some women think, nor as some men like to portray themselves.
Erection is not essential for erotic play. Indeed, some consider it distracting or at best, unnecessary. They delight in the many different routes to sexual satisfaction. They concentrate on mutual happiness. Our culture’s constant stress on erection can damage many an otherwise happy relationship. Erection may or may not be related to ejaculation. Ejaculation can occur without erection.
It cannot mean much for a woman author to write words of comfort such as: “Your partner does not perceive erection loss as failure. Only you do”. A man can only learn this for himself.
And anyway, not all women are understanding.